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Only So Much I Can Feel

To sum up what happened these days:

  • I went to a few job interviews;
  • I’ve been looking for a new place where I can actually be creative, and call it home for at least a few months;
  • My work as a marketing at a uni community was finally completed;
  • I got some job offers, buying myself time to think them over;
  • I’m getting ghosted, maybe it’s all for the best;
  • I can’t order my grocery online, for some reason;
  • I refused a ride from my friend and lost all my bank cards on the way;
  • I almost cried while reporting lost cards on the phone;
  • My mom questioned me on what just happened (i.e., how I lost my card wallet). As I didn’t want to debrief yet, she pulled out all my relationship fails on me, which almost made me cry in a Starbucks;
  • I realized I couldn’t cry because I was in public.

Voila, here’s what happened in the last 72 hours.

 

This month, I’m trying to be honest with myself, especially on how I feel. Growing up, I’m so used to pleasing people around me and putting their needs before mine at times. Hence, a transition like this can be quite hard.


A classic example would be this Thursday night. I asked my housemates to shut their little chitchat down, as they were right outside my door and Saul was talking about something that never ever happened (who slept with whom, blah blah blah). It worked, but I felt so bad about cutting off their convo and I couldn’t really fall asleep for awhile. The next day, after I came back home from my interview, I explained myself to Hugo – well, apologized. Surprisingly, besides assuring me “what I did was kind of rude”, he understood my situation and said that I should stand up for myself if things make me uncomfortable.

^ I was so relived that they weren’t mad at me.


At the same time, I’m trying to eliminate my time use on my phone. Part of it is because using smartphone doesn’t make me any smarter, instead, I’m so much slower if I have stared at my screen for a long time. Part is because I don’t want to disappoint myself if I didn’t see someone’s reply. This can be likened to how I eat more when I wanna lose weight, or how I’m absent-minded when I want to focus. I am more desperate when I want to be loved. And more specifically, to be loved by some good memories from a city. The fact that he put everything clear at the front made me panic, like a hammer hanging from the ceiling above my head [and string finally can’t take the weight]. I tried to deny it, poked about it, and now the truth came out, leaving me naked, exposed in ugliness. All of a sudden, I felt like I was not myself, I was just trying to prove that I was the right one, I was there, and that love was a solution for all. Self-sabotage has been my forte in the past, and being honest with myself has brought me more trouble out of this situation. I can’t help checking every little thing I can grab as an “evidence” of [something has existed]; however, there left nothing. 

^ It’s getting better in the past hour though. It always gets better with time.


This morning, just as I was thinking about how to sell Lynn’s latte artwork, my “Chinese” friends from London called. As I was walking on the path I’ve been going back and forth for many years, everything felt different because I had them with me (or literally in my hand). Han got a new haircut, Lauriane got a new job, Yvette got new glasses. Everyone is getting something new, and here we are, still missing each other and the good times. I miss being myself – genuinely warm and straightforward, sometimes mean – and not getting into trouble because of it. I miss being with them, complaining about essays and sometimes outlet my feelings for the guy. To us, a reunion in London would be inevitable, just a matter of time. I don’t expect things to be the same, without an agenda set up, I’m happy to go with my impulse as it hits.


Just after we talked about how we needed to save up for London, I lost my card wallet this afternoon. With two bank cards in it, I basically lost the whole Bank of Montreal. I’ve been wearing the same black coat two days in a row for good luck, and now this came to me. At first, the whole situation sounded so ironic: I was just thinking about London and chatting with friends about going back there; I was just negotiating my way up on my potential first job; I was just going to visit an apartment that is gonna cost some money to renovate; and plus, my card wallet is a London underground map with all my bank cards. Only bank cards. Not my first time losing things, but I was panicked for five minutes as should I. I called to report all my loss. I called to claim a lost and found. And I was doing these things, I wanted to release a little of emotions I’ve been accumulating inside me. I didn’t, cuz’ I was in a rush and seriously didn’t have time to. Instead, I still met up with people as supposed to, and dealt with all the business. Then I texted my mom. Immediately, she replied:

“Oh, are those cards missing?”

“Are you sure you lost them?”

“Were you robbed?”

“What happened?”

“Could you calm down and tell me what happened”

“Why are you so emotionally unstable”

“See, this is you, how could you deal with anything possessing that attitude”

Not too blunt, not too wrong, all in 5 minutes. This was not what I needed at that time.

My birth mother has never been a real mother. Even though she was trained to be a counsellor, with so many years wasting her skills away, she did not understand or empathize what I was in need of. I don’t blame her for this, as there are so many things we need to learn in our life, that we aren’t able to master them all.

In turn, my reaction at that time was to talk with Elaine. I knew I couldn’t talk for real, so we texted. It was actually wicked, because the second I realized I lost my wallet, she called me asking about my dinner plan. Elaine has been my rock since adulthood, and she knew exactly what I was talking about. “I want to cry out loud, right here, right now. But I can’t. I’m in public.”

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That’s right. I’m no longer the girl who lost her luggage in Barcelona and cried along her ride on the subway. I’m no longer the girl who wandered in the pouring rain of Casablanca, without caring what people would think of that. I’m no longer the girl who can be in the centre of a movie, because I’m challenging myself to this new game level of life: being a grown-up. Things could be dull, less dramatic, and probably more about hidden-context communication. Yet, it can be a challenge, which explains why I did need an outlet today just to whine and cry: I’ve become aware of some discrepancies between whom I want to be and who I am.

I’m not ready for all the fantasies about London to fade away;

I’m not ready to patch things up with my mother;

I’m not ready to step into a new era, a new stage after being full-time student;

I’m not ready to stay in Vancouver and not have my mind wandering on where next;

I’m not ready to face the fact that the person I love may never love me back;

I’m not sure if I know love as other people do.

What happened these days also made me re-evaluate my friendships with other people. On my last Hua Dialogue event, someone told me they really liked the way I expressed myself, and others say that they like those copywriting and posts we got on fb. When I was in a bad mood (a few times recently), Stefan would always somehow show up around and give me the chill mood lecture, which totally worked this time. Elaine, ma cherie, you have been the most patient & supportive these days. Honestly, I wouldn’t even start writing this if it wasn’t you who talked me out.

Although I’m trying my best to have my emotions and feelings in place, i find it quite difficult when I’m getting rich streams of information in the life, which I can’t use the word “boring” to describe anymore. It has come to my attention that self-care as well as regular outlets are essential in my daily routine. Therefore, I am minimizing my time use on digital devices, especially social media; rather, focusing more on my last month of study and getting in touch with people face to face. Most importantly, I want to spend more time with people who truly matter in my life and reciprocally see me as someone to count on. 

Truly appreciate your understanding, since there’s only so much I can feel right now.

Lazarus- Porcupine Tree

 

3 thoughts on “Only So Much I Can Feel”

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